The Simplicity of God

True story: I couldn't think of anything creative to title a blog if it would save my life. This time, I actually googled "good blog titles" to, ya know, get some ideas... ;) and every link that popped up was on the importance of picking a good blog title or else (gasp!) no one would ever read your blog! ("You have to hook the reader in right away!") Well, for crying out loud! This only adds more pressure to it!

It's 4:42am and I can't sleep. It's weird - this doesn't happen to me. Hi, I'm Kim - I sleep ALLLLL the time. It's the one thing I'm really good at doing. But really, this is unnatural, weird, and annoying. Plus, my left arm keeps going numb which can't be good. Am I having a stroke?

The worst part about it is that I fell asleep just fine earlier. It's not like I have a lot on my mind so I can't sleep at all, kind of a thing. I fell asleep around midnight just fine - only to wake up at 4:00am. And now, here I am. Mannn, I'm going to be cranky tomorrow. (Or should I say, later today?)

At least Fresh Prince of Bel Aire is on. :)

I'll just jump right in:
I went back Northlake Community Church last Sunday for the first time since my parents moved to Guatemala. I've been really scared to go since moving back to Bellingham since DTS but I've always known that I need to. And as I had expected, it was weird, different, and overwhelming. There's been a lot of changes there since I left, not only pastoral changes, but most of the families I knew and grew up with left, and really - no one there knows me anymore. I remember Northlake as my home church where we knew everyone and walking through the lobby would take you 20 minutes (four hours for my dad) because you'd have to stop and talk with everyone. Now, I couldn't stop and talk with anyone. Sergei and I awkwardly walked through the front doors and right into the sanctuary and say down. And for some reason, that really freaked me out.

During worship and announcements, all I could really think about was how the last time I was there, we were saying goodbye to my parents and sending them off. That was, by far, one of the worst days of my life and being back in "our" church made me miss them like that all over again. And, for the first time in a long time, I began crying out to God about how lonely I have been since DTS. I was almost mad at Him that He hasn't given me a Christian community here. Suddenly, I felt more lonely, discouraged, depressed, homesick, etc. than I had since that day when my parents left. As I was in the middle of trying to convince God that I know whats best, someone sitting behind me taps my shoulder and hands me a tissue. Well, that's not embarrassing or anything, haha. I'm obviously too emotional at this point.

My arm just went numb again.

Then, Pastor Dave got up for the sermon. In my state of bitterness, I almost blocked it all out, but his message really, really, really encouraged me. He talked openly about some of the thoughts he had during the pastoral changes. And he challenged us about how open we are with changes that God makes in our lives and surroundings. Are we open to things that turn out different than what we had expected? Are we willing to trust God even through those times? Can we say, "Okay, God, I don't understand this - but I'm going to keep going and try to learn from this?"

Later, he talked about situations with trusting God about providing finances (which, at this stage in my life, was right on the money - pun completely intended). He quoted some of the verses we hear all the time about how God will provide whatever we need, but he also told us about the churches finances. At the beginning of summer he had been worried because churches across America always struggle financially during summer so Dave had been making plans on how to "get by" and "save as much as possible" until the fall. But every week, God has been providing abundantly. After every dramatic pause, and then the good news of how God had provided again and again, we all gasped, clapped, etc. But if we really think about it, why are we so surprised by this? Of course He did.

While Sergei and I were walking back to the car after service, I spent a couple more minutes feeling sorry for myself. I proceeded to tell Sergei about "how much the church has changed" and "woe is me, I don't know anyone anymore," blahblahblah. Sergei sat quietly, patiently listening to me (as usual), and then he goes, "I liked it."

Simple as that. Those three words changed my whole mood around and it was exactly what I needed to hear. "I liked it."

Sergei: "You didn't like the Pastor?"
Me: "No, I did. I like him a lot. But he's not Pastor Bill."
Sergei: "So?"
Me: "That's just all I know..."
Sergei: "Well... I thought he was really good."

Again, how will we react to change when the outcome is not as we had expected?

What would I do without Sergei? After I always over-think, over-analyze, dramatize, and overwhelm everything, he always brings me back to the simplicity of God. I so often need that reminder.

5:40am. I officially hate today.

So, I'm back to that super fun activity that we like to call: "raising support." This is truly the only thing I HATE about being a missionary. HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE. I feel like underneath all the fancy words, letters, and brochures, people still think all I'm saying is "Give me your money!"

Really though, raising support has got to by one of the most humbling things you could ever do, haha. It's finally admitting that we can't do it alone and that we need each other (awww...). I had the privilege of getting together with Cathy Pauley last week and we were talking about the difficulties of raising support. She said, "I know money is nothing to God but down here, man - we need it for everything. .....But God knows that, too." She's right on the money (again, pun intended).

After another couple of hours at Starbucks today, I finally finished the "final draft" of my support letter. And I finished addressing the envelopes. Now, all I have to do is wait for my brochures to arrive, then I'll send them all out and hope (and pray) for the best.

I actually broke down on the phone with my Dad earlier about support raising. I just out of the blue started crying. "I'm never going to get that kind of money in time. It's not going to happen." And to be honest, I felt so defeated all day. My brochures aren't even here yet, I need to raise monthly support and money to buy a plane ticket to even get there, and I need to do all of this in one month? Seriously?

And more than anything, I want Sergei to make it to his DTS. I know he's been feeling really discouraged too about raising support - and I would give ANYTHING to get him there. Today, I actually sat down and tried to make a list of things I could sell to give to Sergei for his school. My car, my bed, desk, ....shoes...? I don't have much, but in all reality, I don't need much either. I could donate plasma? Or a kidney?

So, anyone want to buy a car? ...Kidney? Both in good condition.

Sergei deserves this more than anyone.

I know I've already talked about me crying a lot in this blog, so I'll let this be my last story:
After Sergei left for work today, I sat down in my room with my journal and Bible and cried out to God about these frustrations. "God, how do I get Sergei to DTS?" I kept asking God for ANYTHING to encourage him. Even if it's $1, let Sergei know that people CARE about what he's doing. Encourage him, God. Give him hope!

After awhile, the verse came to my mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." It's one of those ones we've heard a thousand times, but today the Holy Spirit gave me a new understanding through it. During my DTS, one of our speakers, Ruthie Kim, told us, "If you're worrying about something, you haven't given it to God." Not saying that I'll never worry about raising support for both Sergei and myself ever again, but today I gave it to God and committed to doing my part of walking in obedience and simply trusting him with the rest.

Again, it always comes back to: the simplicity of God.