I want them all.

A few nights ago, on the way home from dinner, Alfonso, Becky, Oscar, and I saw two women, four children, and a baby walking toward the hill. (Mind you, this “hill” I’m referring to is more like a mountain. It’s a little over a mile long and at the altitude we’re at, it often feels like you’re scaling Mt. Everest. Also, it is very dangerous, especially at night.) So, we pull over to see if they want a ride up in the back of the truck. One of the ladies had just had surgery and they were on their way home from the hospital, so she couldn’t sit in the back of the truck. So Oscar helped her into the front seat and climbed in the back with the rest of them.

At first I was in so much shock that this lady who could barely move, was about to walk up Mt. Everest, AT NIGHT, with five kids all under the age of six. I was just thanking God that we were able to give them a safe ride home when Becky nudged me and told me to listen.

Alfonso was telling her about Jesus. He was telling her about the confidence he has in Christ because God has always taken care of him. Then I heard Oscar laughing and singing sings with the kids in the back.

Instantly tears came to my eyes. I was so moved by the moment and by the way Alfonso and Oscar can so confidently share their faith with everyone they come in contact with. I had planned to sit quietly in the truck until we had gotten them safely home. Why do I so easily forget the confidence I have in my Lord as soon as I’m around a stranger? I somehow think that I have to discreetly slip in something about my faith and wait for them to ask me questions. Or, you know, live my life in a way that people will see me and and just know that I have God’s love. Well, most of the world isn’t looking for God’s love so how are they going to notice? And even IF that lady in the truck had been looking for it, would she have found it simply because I was smiling at the back of her head for seven minutes?

The truth is… I love God. And I genuinely want all the people of this world to find Him. I want the women and children from that night to feel His peace, comfort, love, and to see how faithfully He will provide for their needs – in the same way He has always done for me. And WHY shouldn’t I have confidence in telling people about all of that after God has repeatedly provided, blessed, and loved me?

I think I can get too comfortable with routines. “Okay God, I moved to Guatemala. I really love the girls at The Oasis. I promise to do my best to show these girls your love. Thanks for everything.” I think God’s knocking my head going, “HELLO?! You think the girls in the compound of The Oasis are the only people I am putting into your life that I’m reaching out to?! Think again, mi hija. I want them all.”

I have so much to learn. But, I am so grateful to have men like Oscar and Alfonso in my life. I learn new things about God through them everyday. Their life ministries are so much like how I picture Jesus’ life was. I am so encouraged in my faith every time I’m with them. They so confidently love God that they never even have to think about it – they simply live it.

Suffering for Jesus?

I just thought this was worthy of mentioning...

Becky and I have been extremely grateful that God has kept us healthy while we've been here at the Oasis. We didn't really realize how grateful we were until we had to be tia's in the green house one weekend and saw the meat for lunch just sitting on the counter. Raw beef, with raw chicken ON TOP OF IT, just sitting on the counter. It had already been there for a good 15 hours or so. That seems... sanitary. And then we experienced the art of "less is more" by skipping the use of plates and bowls as much as possible and just putting everything directly on the grates in the fridge, grates in the oven, and directly on the spinny-wheel thingy in the microwave. How often are they santized? Unknown. Vegetables and fruits? Unwashed. Bring it on. Stomachs of steel.

Oscar came up on Thursday to play with the girls for the afternoon. He stayed to eat dinner in the blue house with me and my ninas - and turns out this "true Guatemalan" got sick. He's pretty much a gringo. And we'll probably never let him live it down.

Oh, also. We have fleas. And I'm not talking fleas in the grass - straight up FLEA INFESTED APARTMENT. We are covered head to toe in this wonderful little itchy bumps. But in all honesty, we love our little cozy apartment and wouldn't change it for the world.

And all of the girls have lice... so it's really only a matter of time.

We love Guatemala :)

The CAM interns at CAM's Thanksgiving lunch extravaganza. It was awesome.

Oscar singing with the girls. (Notice the beautiful volcano through the window!)

It's a God thing...

A little over a week ago, I got a call from my Mom, telling me she had just found a note she wrote me on June 9th. As she read it to me, I couldn’t stop crying – because it was suddenly so obvious to me that God was in control. The words she wrote me on June 9th confirmed everything that’s happening right now is so right. And strangely enough, it answered a lot of questions I was asking God at that present time. In the note she said that she had woken up in the middle of the night and felt like she was supposed to write me. And she just happened to find it in an old journal she hasn’t used since then; on the perfect day I needed to hear it. If THAT’S not a God thing, I just don’t know what is.

It was so comforting to know that God has been preparing for this time for a long time. He knew I would be let down and that my guard would be up - and He made sure there was someone I trusted to speak His words to me. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. And I’m surrounded by the people I’m supposed to be with. It doesn’t mean getting here was easy, and losing people in my life was easy, but it’s all soooo worth it.

I’ve said it a thousand times since I’ve been here, but I think it’s worth repeating. :) There is something so peaceful about being right in the center or God’s will. God has transformed my heart in so many ways since being here.

I’ve also had a lot of time to reflect on my time in Bellingham after DTS and before I came here. I was really unhappy with who I was and what I was doing in my life. I was mad that I was “stuck” in Bellingham – I really wanted to be in some kind of ministry. And I had just become angry about all of the stupidest little things. I didn’t trust that things would work out. Mostly, I was just angry at myself because I knew I wasn’t living up to my potential in who God has made me to be, but I had also lost all hope and motivation to change that. And fear controlled my life. I was constantly afraid of everything: being home alone, driving at night, getting robbed, the dark, etc.

Once I got here, God flipped my world upside down in ways I cannot describe. I’m not angry anymore. I have SO much more tolerance and patience, and I KNOW that could only come from Him. I’m not scared; I feel protected. For the first time in a long time, I feel like my life is finally coming together.

I’ve recently noticed how much more joy I have in my life. Even my laugh has changed. Now it’s this really loud deep-seated, belly laugh – and I’m pretty sure my neighbors all hate me for it :) But it feels good to laugh like this again, with this pure, soul-deep joy.

I am so in love with Guatemala. Sometimes I think I was made to be here and I can’t imagine settling anywhere else. My heart is content :)

I love walking into the blue house and being smothered by a herd of little girls. I love how Wendy always walks around with her Max Lucado devotional book (in English) because she thinks it’s the Bible. I love watching Oscar lead worship and listening to the congregation worship the same God I worship back home in Northlake. I love greeting everyone with hugs and kisses on the cheek. I love holding hands with little girls and listening to their laughter all day, everyday. I love teaching people English and learning what a willingness to learn really looks like. I love looking out across our yard and seeing beautiful mountains and volcanoes. As far as I’m concerned, this is about as good as it gets.

Lately I’ve been thinking about something that happened during my third week of DTS. Our speaker had been telling us about some sacrifices that some of her friends have had to make to follow Jesus. And she asked us: “Would you be willing to do that? If God called you to go, and you knew something like that was coming, would you go?” We all sat in silence for about ten minutes before Mark stood up and made a commitment to go anywhere and give up anything if God called him to. One by one, we all stood up and made the same commitment. Afterwards we spent the next few minutes worshipping from our tables – but there was something different about the way we sang the words this time. For a lot of us, it was the first time we had ever realized WHAT we were living for. And how it really was worth it ALL.

Oh man… :) Good times.

And now, a few photos for your viewing pleasure...

Unconditional Love

I think God's unconditional love has always been so hard for me to grasp because the love I experience on earth is 100% conditional.

Whenever we talk about unconditional love in church or with friends, it always gives you a good feeling, but I don't know how many times I've really stopped to think about what that actually means and how much that truly affects me.

Looking back on elementary, middle, and high school, I had a new "best friend forever" every year. I still sometimes find notes we wrote each other: "We'll be best friends forever! I could never be without you, blahblahblah." That's good and all, but how many of those people do I still even talk to? Maybe one or two?

As humans, everything to us is so conditional. It's all about what makes us feel good in the moment. Half the time we'll listen to things people tell us that we know aren't true, but we'll still believe it anyways because it makes us feel good.

I could never count how many friends I've "just lost touch with" over the years. And for what? We started a new school year and had different classes? We didn't work together anymore? She moved 20 minutes away? She goes to a different church now?

Recently I've been really let down by someone who was once my best friend. We did everything together, told each other everything, shared our lives together, and even promised "forever." I haven't seen him since September since we're both on separate missions for six months, but two and half weeks ago, after a lot of prayer, we decided to break up. Long story short - today, the man that had once been my other half, turned a complete 180. And I'm crushed that someone could change their minds about something like LOVE in a span of about three days. What does that say to me about people?

I was sitting in my office here at The Oasis when I found out. I just started crying - I didn't really know what else to do. I wasn't mad like I thought I'd be - I was just really disappointed. I just kept saying, "I could never do that to someone. I couldn't do that." But, I guess, in all reality, I'm just as much human as he is. So, my question is, what do you do when someone promises you "forever" but ditches out as soon as something more appealing comes along?

I am thankful that I have comfort in knowing that God didn't want us together anymore - and that I had known that before all of this happened. But it still doesn't stop the hurt of how quickly someone can change their minds about you - especially about words like "forever."

As I was sitting here, I was begging God for comfort. I needed His peace. Right away, my little four-year-old, Wendy, comes wandering into the office, see's me crying, climbs into my lap, and plants the biggest kiss she can manage on my cheek. She asked me why I was crying. I told her I was just sad. She hugged me again and said, "Well, I love you." Then she sat in my lap, hugging me, kissing me, and chattering about the games she wanted to play for about an hour. Thank you, Jesus, for children.

God has just been reminding me constantly, "I will NEVER do that to you. NOTHING will ever make me change my mind." I wish I could understand this better. "Forever" to me is beginning to lose the meaning it once held.

Yesterday, during devotions, Becky and I talked with the girls about Daniel 2 and how the Bible tells us that ALL power and wisdom belong to God. He can establish kings and remove kings. We talked with them about what wisdom and power really mean and how we, as humans, think we have the power to change people around us, and make things the way we want. It was a good reminder that ALL of the power belongs to GOD. He can put things into my life and take them out at any time. But, I also know that His timing is PERFECT.

Last week, during quiet time, I asked God to "rock me." Which, really, doesn't always seem like a bright idea. Because God rocking my world means that I sometimes have to give up my own thoughts and ideas about how things are supposed to be.

Yep - this is right.

And I know eventually that will really sink in, but for now, I am living off of His amazing mercy and grace. People will let me down, but it just gives me all the more reason to cling to my perfect God.

Yeah... I'll be alright.

"Here I Go Again"

This song has challenged me so much in this last week. I find myself listening to it over and over and over again, letting the words sink in. Fear of man is such a silly thing, yet - I struggle with it more than I know.

During an evangelism seminar I went to three weeks ago, the speaker told us that a recent study had found that the number one fear of American's is the fear of speaking in front of groups of people. I find this odd since God has commanded us to "go and preach the good news." The enemy sure knows how to hold us back, eh?

Becky posted a blog about this song before me (and she's a much better writer than I am :) ) and what she said really hit home with me. Our God is so worth it.

"After listening to the lyrics, I felt like the band was right here, singing to me about the girls at The Oasis. My prayer for my time here is that every day I will OOOZE with God’s love. That it will stick to everyone I touch, see, greet, and talk with. That they will be so stuck in it that they would give up trying to run from it.The lyrics say “This might be my last chance to tell her that You love her.” We have girls constantly in and out of The Oasis, depending on the outcome of their court dates, and regardless of what the courts say, God has not guaranteed me tomorrow to show them His love. It needs to happen TODAY.Please be with me in prayer that God will shine His light through my life, so bright that no one can ignore it. That the girls will see God’s love through the way that I love them, and that they will want more."

"Here I Go Again" by Casting Crowns
Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

Chorus: So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' 'bout the rain
And mullin' over things
that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love Him
But here I go again
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so
You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe
He will never die
But how then will he know
What he has never heard?
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

Hello, Love of My Life

Love of my life = Guatemala.

Goodness, I don't even know where to start. I have a thousand thoughts racing around in my mind constantly that I can never seem to put into words to share with people.

I'm sitting next to Becky in our office at The Oasis, eating trail mix, and for some reason trying not to cry. I've been crying a lot lately - and half the time I'm not even sad.

I think it's the renewing of passion. I am coming to realize how much passion for Jesus I've lost since YWAM.

And now, here I am; in this foreign country, with nothing left to hold onto EXCEPT for HIM. For the first time in my life, I am the minority. And, to be honest, that scares me a lot. I'm the strange American girl that can't understand half the stuff everyone says to me. I know I couldn't do this without God on my side. I just have to keep reminding myself that our God is SOOOO much bigger than a language barrier or cultural differences.

Becky and I pray together every night before bed. It's so comforting because it reminds me so much of my times with Amanda, Kristy, and Mark during DTS. We pray about the girls here, about our ministry, and anything we have on our hearts. And, of course, every night I cry. Imagine that. I am so grateful to God for bringing me here. But, I am so upset with myself that He had to take me out of my comfort zone and strip me of everything I'm used to, to get my attention.

When I first arrived in Guatemala, and especially before I left Oasis, I was dreading moving to The Oasis. I was going, "What am I doing? I don't even like kids all that much." haha. But God has changed my heart, rejuvenated me, and given me strength.

I. AM. SO. HAPPY. HERE.

The girls are beyond amazing. I got assigned to the Blue House and was blessed to spend my days with seven of the most wonderful little girls you could ever imagine. Tonya (2), Wendy (4), Melanie (6), Jaqueline (8), Maria (9), Doris (11), and Viki (14). Everytime I walk into the house they'll swamp me, wanting hugs and kisses. I'm sure this will all wear off after I'm here for awhile, but none the less, I love it. Wendy is just the cutest little four year old in the worldddd. All she ever wants to do is sit in my lap, kiss my cheek as long and hard as she can, and give me big hugs! Everytime I'm playing with the girls and eating meals with them, I just thank God for this culture and the people of Guatemala.

Speaking of - I think Oscar deserves a spot in this blog. Oscar is a good friend of the family from Guatemala City. And I think I owe a lot of this whole "new regaining of passion" from him. Oscar lives what he preaches. He is a man that shines like Jesus in ways I've never seen before. Often when I get frustrated, tired, lazy, etc., I just think, "What would Oscar do?" Oscar would put himself aside and love on everyone around him. He has this way of making each and every person in the room feel like the most important person alive. He's my hero.

Oscar and I celebrating mine and Cory's birthdays last weekend!
Unfortunetly this picture portrays us perfectly, haha.

My spanish is coming along as well as can be expected, I guess. Being here has made it all the more clear to me at just how much a month of language school helped set a good foundation for me. And I'll continue to study while I'm here.

Becky and I are starting English classes next week for the "Tias" and any teacher or staff member here that would like to attend. They all want to learn english so badly and since Becky and I will be here for five and six months, what a fantastic opportunity to get them started! I am so, so, so excited to start these classes!!

I find it impossible to write good blogs. I apologize to you all - just know that God is doing amazing things in this small compound way up high in the mountain in San Lucas, Guatemala. And I intend to live that out for as long as I live.

I promise I'll update soon with more touching, sensible, informative updates. :)

All my love,
Kimberly

Rock My World

God is sooooo in control.

My roommates and I went to a HUGE kite festival in Santiago yesterday and on the drive home, I couldn’t stop thanking God for his provision. I feel SO blessed to be here – and His timing is PERFECT (imagine that).

These last three weeks have changed me in ways I could never explain. God has been giving me so much peace and joy – and He is changing me from the inside out. I truly feel like a different person than when I got here three weeks ago. My outlook on this six month trip is so different, in a much more positive way.


I really am so happy in Antigua. In the afternoons, I’ll usually walk for hours and every day I fall more and more in love with the people and culture of Latin America.

A few days ago, I was walking home and there was a huge crowd of local men standing on the sidewalks and spilling into the street. When I got closer I saw about 20-25 police officers running around with their massive guns, kicking doors in and evacuating the houses in the area, obviously searching for someone. I stood watching for about 3 minutes before remembering I wasn’t watching The Bourne Identity or something and that I should probably leave.

It turns out four armed men broke into a house and stole a lot of stuff and the police only captured one. So the other three men when running away ON THE ROOF TOPS. Well, yeah that kind of freaked me out a little bit. But that only lasted 3.5 seconds and then I was happy as a clam again.

One of the missionaries from YWAM living in Antigua right now was robbed at gunpoint by her tuc-tuc (spelling?) driver last week. I guess that's the reality of it down here. But spending your whole life being scared isn't going to help you in any way.

During my first week in Antigua, I was a little scared. And let’s be honest, there is a lot to be afraid of down here. Guatemala isn’t exactly the safest place in the world. Especially for a single white female. But God has filled me with so much peace since then. Even when all the strange men honk at me and yell things (solely because of the color of my skin), I feel so protected. And I can honestly say that even IF something happened to me, that’s okay, too. If I die, it’s because God’s ready for me in Heaven. If someone breaks into my house and steals everything I own, God will provide everything I need again.

There is something so peaceful about being right in God’s will for your life. Without a doubt in my mind, this is where I’m supposed to be.

On the flight down here a month ago, for the first time in my entire life, I was saying, “Okay, God, just give me a 9 to 5 job in Bellingham and a comfortable apartment with clean food, and I’ll be happy. Just don’t make me live here.” Making transitions into uncomfortable situations is never easy for anyone. But I take that all back now. “Okay, God, you can call me to live here, again.” (This is me pretending that God listens to the plans I make for my life.)

I’ve survived three weeks of Spanish school! I passed my test for Grado A (97.5%) so I moved up a level! I love my teacher, Lucy, and the school. As frustrating as it is sometimes, feeling like I’ll never get it, it has been a really rewarding experience and I know I’ve learned a lot since moving here.

My roommates here have been AMAZING and I could not thank God enough for bringing us all together like this. They have helped make my experience in Antigua so fantastic. We’ve been together for about two weeks now and strangely enough, we’re all leaving at the same time next weekend. The five of us have gotten along so well and one of my favorite parts of the day is sitting with the four of them for hours after dinner, talking and laughing.

Katy is from Iowa, and she’s incredible. She came to Guatemala after she was traveling and volunteering in Mexico when a flashflood wiped out nearly everything she brought with her. She’s a leader in so many ways. She’s strong, wise, and always thinking of others before herself. Myr is from Colorado and she is one of the most open minded and positive people I’ve ever met. Jenny is from Norway, and she definitely has the gift of bringing people together. She’s always got fantastic stories to tell and she is just a genuine, solid person. Kennet is from Denmark – we love Kennet because he’s forced to live with four girls and he’s still always smiling. Kennet has this way of laughing at everything you say like you’re the wittiest person in the world. He’s fantastic.

On el dia de los muertos, my roommates and I traveled about 45 minutes to Santiago to see the massive kites (barriletes) that we've heard so much about. What a beautiful holiday! The different brotherhoods spend 40 days working together to make these beautiful, massive works of art. And thousands of people come together to celebrate in the cemetary and to eat meals with their dead relatives.

A family eating in the cemetary

It has been such a blessing meeting and making friends with some locals, as well. I’ve gotten to know a few YWAMers down here which is beyond wonderful! I went to an evangelism seminar at YWAM last Saturday and it helped me regain so much of my motivation that I’ve lost since DTS.

One guy I’ve met down here has forever changed me. His name is Juan Luis and he has an incredible testimony. He used to be a devout Mormon when he found Christ. I’m not going to go into the whole story, but he was able to do a DTS last year, after God provided the funds even when it seemed impossible, and Juan Luis is now a man that just shines like Jesus Christ. He is so filled with love and compassion. I feel blessed to have met him.

Last week, God spoke to me clearly about a HUGE change that I needed to make in my life. We wrestled back and forth for awhile before it became clear to me that I was losing. After letting go of something that has become nearly everything to me, I prayed that God would fill me with peace about it. I told Him that I was acting out in obedience and though I wasn’t super pleased with Him about it; I expected His help to get me through it. And God has provided that and more in ways I could have never imagined. I still get sad when I think about it and once in awhile I’ll cry, but I have no doubt that God is in control. And though He loves me and wants the best for me, it won’t always be easy and I will be forced to give up some of my own ideas and dreams. Psalms 29:11 has taken on a whole new meaning in my life in the last few weeks

“The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace.”

Last weekend my Mom told me to read Psalm 86 – and since then, that has been the cry of my heart. I have found so much peace in God’s Word! There’s something about being thrown out of your comfort zone, that throws you into God’s arms.

So, I’m on my last week in Antigua, before joining Becky up at the Oasis! I’m getting more and more excited everyday to meet all the girls and to be with Becky again!

Prayer Requests:
*Please continue to pray for my health. I went to the Doctor two weeks ago and got some medicine – please pray that the medicine does the trick so that I don’t have to go back in for more tests and so I can feel better!
*Please pray for my transition from Antigua to The Oasis.

Praises:
*God’s amazing and unimaginable provision, peace, and joy!
*At YWAM Antigua’s Halloween service last Friday, about 8-9 people accepted Christ! Please pray for them as they begin a new relationship with our Lord!!


All My Love,
Kimberly

"God kind of has a sick sense of humor, doesn't He?"

I made it! I am writing to you from Guatemala, with many apologies for not updating sooner. (Believe me, my mom reminds me daily)

I’ve been here for almost three weeks now! I bought my ticket and came two days later, after learning that my mom needed surgery. I spent my first few days visiting her in the hospital and being insanely car sick every time I went anywhere with my Dad. After a few days my mom was able to come home with us! Since she wasn’t allowed to move much or go anywhere, it was a good excuse for us to spend a week laying around, watching movies, and reading books together!

As of now, I am in my second week of language school! It’s a great school and I can already understand a lot more Spanish than when I first got here! But there’s definitely those times when I am sure I’ll never get it. As much as I can understand, it still seems almost impossible to say what I want to say most of the time.

I am so amazed by God’s provision. Fund raising always seems to be such a long, horrifying experience – but in the end, it has been sooo rewarding to see people I don’t even know give money and prayer for my trip! The body of Christ truly amazed me! The title of this blog came out of the mouth of one of my best friends, Kristy, during one of our long distance phone calls. Two weeks before, I had gone into the doctor’s to get a mole removed and shortly after, I was told that the test results came back atypical and I needed to go to a dermatologist to make sure he could get the rest of it taken out. I don’t have any health insurance so that seemed like the end of the world for me. I called Kristy one night, crying to her about how I’d never get to Guatemala and there was no way I could pay for my doctor’s visit AND a dermatologist visit AND another lab testing.

That same night, a dermatologist from my church called me and offered to do my operation FREE OF CHARGE. “Alright, God. Sorry for not trusting. You’ve got this.”

During my meeting with Dr. Gardner, he asks how much more support I need to raise before I can leave, I tell him, and he pauses for a second – “Okay, I’ll take care of the rest of that.”

That’s when my call with Kristy comes in:
“Wait a minute, so this dermatologist appointment that was one of the reasons you couldn’t go right away is the reason you got the rest of your money?!”
“Yep.”
“…………..God kind of has a sick sense of humor, doesn’t He? …I love that about Him”

So, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone what has given toward this trip. I have been greatly encouraged by your gifts and prayers. It has been a daily reminder for me of God’s provision.

So far, so good. I LOVE my new roommate Becky! It’s one of those friendships that you KNOW God has been preparing you for your entire life. We are so much alike in so many bizarre ways and we’ve already spent too many nights staying up way too late talking and laughing and craving big hunks of carrot cake.

God has already stretched me in some serious ways since being here. I know that these six months won’t necessarily be easy but I do know that God is doing something in me. And I trust that. So, in some ways I’m crying out for brokenness – and in so many other ways I am terrified beyond words for some of lessons God has planned for me here.

I’ll try to keep the updates coming more frequently! Please keep me in your prayers as I’m still adjusting to a new culture and language! And praise God for his provision in every aspect of this trip!

With Love,
Kimberly

The City That Will Never Let You Quit Dreaming

New month, new blog.

After reading my last blog, my Dad said to me, "Sheesh! And you think I'M long winded?!" Well, Papa, I think we alllll know where (who) I get it from ;)

Things lately have been.... bi-polarish.

I'm still in the process of raising support. I can't believe September 20th is ONE WEEK away. The closer and closer it gets, the more my heart longs to be there. I have been EXTREMELY blessed with how quickly people have responded and partnered with me! Every time I get an update on my support from CAM, I get so excited and feel so encouraged. Until two minutes later when I calculate everything myself and find myself still having a long way to go.

I guess that's typical me, though. I worry a lot and have a hard to giving things up to God. I guess thats why support raising is critical - especially for people like me. It gives God a chance to really take over and show us what a provider He is. And I know He has ALWAYS come through before, so worrying so much about it is silly.

I'm already being long winded again, I think.

Sergei leaves for DTS in one week! Oh, criminy! I am so, so, so excited for him! And so, so, so sad to say goodbye for six months. His support has poured in. It has been SO AMAZING to watch the way people who don't even know him have gladly given for his discipleship training school. For the first time in his life, Sergei is finally seeing how the Body of Christ is supposed to be and he is greatly encouraged. After he gets his last paycheck on the 22nd of this month, his lecture phase of school will be paid off! PRAISE GOD! I have complete faith that his support for their two months in Argentina will come in, too! I am so excited for him!

Last week I got to go back to the wonderful, beautiful, AMAZING city of San Francisco for five days! Being back in the TL and in the YWAM base there was amazing. I even had the opportunity to be there while Kristy and Kate moved back to be on staff, which was so exciting! I know God is going to do amazing things through both of those girls!

My first day there, I had to spend the day alone while Kevin and Amanda worked back at base. I brought my Bible and journal and went to our old Starbucks and Nikko Hotel, planning to spend a few glorious hours reading God's Word and pouring my heart out on paper, but instead God told me to go fall in love with the city all over again. So I walked, and walked, and walked for hours. I visited most of our old hangouts and enjoyed hearing the random banter of the people in the TL. I spent most of my time reminiscing about DTS and all of the lessons we walked through together. But I really found myself falling in love with God again - a new, refreshing, confident love that I haven't felt in awhile.

Theres something about San Francisco that captures you. And inspires you.

More than anything, it was good to pray and worship with my old DTS family again. Jan, Jaymee, and I spent a few hours in Starbucks one morning doing intercession for a couple of different things and it struck me at how long its been since I've prayed OUT LOUD, in front of people. We were all able to worship together in our musty, old basement again too. We were focusing so much on calling ourselves back to God. We weren't satisfied. We want so much more.
I love those people so much. Their lives and their hearts inspire me so much. It was definitely a much needed trip.



PRAYER REQUESTS: Please pray with me that God's will be done in my trip to Guatemala. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I might not leave in one week, like I had been hoping, but I'm still hoping and praying to leave as soon as possible! Once Sergei leaves, and I'm not working anymore, I feel so lonely and useless here.

PRAISES: God is so good for how far He has brought me already! And for getting Sergei to DTS!

Thank you all so much!


Much love.
:)

The Simplicity of God

True story: I couldn't think of anything creative to title a blog if it would save my life. This time, I actually googled "good blog titles" to, ya know, get some ideas... ;) and every link that popped up was on the importance of picking a good blog title or else (gasp!) no one would ever read your blog! ("You have to hook the reader in right away!") Well, for crying out loud! This only adds more pressure to it!

It's 4:42am and I can't sleep. It's weird - this doesn't happen to me. Hi, I'm Kim - I sleep ALLLLL the time. It's the one thing I'm really good at doing. But really, this is unnatural, weird, and annoying. Plus, my left arm keeps going numb which can't be good. Am I having a stroke?

The worst part about it is that I fell asleep just fine earlier. It's not like I have a lot on my mind so I can't sleep at all, kind of a thing. I fell asleep around midnight just fine - only to wake up at 4:00am. And now, here I am. Mannn, I'm going to be cranky tomorrow. (Or should I say, later today?)

At least Fresh Prince of Bel Aire is on. :)

I'll just jump right in:
I went back Northlake Community Church last Sunday for the first time since my parents moved to Guatemala. I've been really scared to go since moving back to Bellingham since DTS but I've always known that I need to. And as I had expected, it was weird, different, and overwhelming. There's been a lot of changes there since I left, not only pastoral changes, but most of the families I knew and grew up with left, and really - no one there knows me anymore. I remember Northlake as my home church where we knew everyone and walking through the lobby would take you 20 minutes (four hours for my dad) because you'd have to stop and talk with everyone. Now, I couldn't stop and talk with anyone. Sergei and I awkwardly walked through the front doors and right into the sanctuary and say down. And for some reason, that really freaked me out.

During worship and announcements, all I could really think about was how the last time I was there, we were saying goodbye to my parents and sending them off. That was, by far, one of the worst days of my life and being back in "our" church made me miss them like that all over again. And, for the first time in a long time, I began crying out to God about how lonely I have been since DTS. I was almost mad at Him that He hasn't given me a Christian community here. Suddenly, I felt more lonely, discouraged, depressed, homesick, etc. than I had since that day when my parents left. As I was in the middle of trying to convince God that I know whats best, someone sitting behind me taps my shoulder and hands me a tissue. Well, that's not embarrassing or anything, haha. I'm obviously too emotional at this point.

My arm just went numb again.

Then, Pastor Dave got up for the sermon. In my state of bitterness, I almost blocked it all out, but his message really, really, really encouraged me. He talked openly about some of the thoughts he had during the pastoral changes. And he challenged us about how open we are with changes that God makes in our lives and surroundings. Are we open to things that turn out different than what we had expected? Are we willing to trust God even through those times? Can we say, "Okay, God, I don't understand this - but I'm going to keep going and try to learn from this?"

Later, he talked about situations with trusting God about providing finances (which, at this stage in my life, was right on the money - pun completely intended). He quoted some of the verses we hear all the time about how God will provide whatever we need, but he also told us about the churches finances. At the beginning of summer he had been worried because churches across America always struggle financially during summer so Dave had been making plans on how to "get by" and "save as much as possible" until the fall. But every week, God has been providing abundantly. After every dramatic pause, and then the good news of how God had provided again and again, we all gasped, clapped, etc. But if we really think about it, why are we so surprised by this? Of course He did.

While Sergei and I were walking back to the car after service, I spent a couple more minutes feeling sorry for myself. I proceeded to tell Sergei about "how much the church has changed" and "woe is me, I don't know anyone anymore," blahblahblah. Sergei sat quietly, patiently listening to me (as usual), and then he goes, "I liked it."

Simple as that. Those three words changed my whole mood around and it was exactly what I needed to hear. "I liked it."

Sergei: "You didn't like the Pastor?"
Me: "No, I did. I like him a lot. But he's not Pastor Bill."
Sergei: "So?"
Me: "That's just all I know..."
Sergei: "Well... I thought he was really good."

Again, how will we react to change when the outcome is not as we had expected?

What would I do without Sergei? After I always over-think, over-analyze, dramatize, and overwhelm everything, he always brings me back to the simplicity of God. I so often need that reminder.

5:40am. I officially hate today.

So, I'm back to that super fun activity that we like to call: "raising support." This is truly the only thing I HATE about being a missionary. HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE. I feel like underneath all the fancy words, letters, and brochures, people still think all I'm saying is "Give me your money!"

Really though, raising support has got to by one of the most humbling things you could ever do, haha. It's finally admitting that we can't do it alone and that we need each other (awww...). I had the privilege of getting together with Cathy Pauley last week and we were talking about the difficulties of raising support. She said, "I know money is nothing to God but down here, man - we need it for everything. .....But God knows that, too." She's right on the money (again, pun intended).

After another couple of hours at Starbucks today, I finally finished the "final draft" of my support letter. And I finished addressing the envelopes. Now, all I have to do is wait for my brochures to arrive, then I'll send them all out and hope (and pray) for the best.

I actually broke down on the phone with my Dad earlier about support raising. I just out of the blue started crying. "I'm never going to get that kind of money in time. It's not going to happen." And to be honest, I felt so defeated all day. My brochures aren't even here yet, I need to raise monthly support and money to buy a plane ticket to even get there, and I need to do all of this in one month? Seriously?

And more than anything, I want Sergei to make it to his DTS. I know he's been feeling really discouraged too about raising support - and I would give ANYTHING to get him there. Today, I actually sat down and tried to make a list of things I could sell to give to Sergei for his school. My car, my bed, desk, ....shoes...? I don't have much, but in all reality, I don't need much either. I could donate plasma? Or a kidney?

So, anyone want to buy a car? ...Kidney? Both in good condition.

Sergei deserves this more than anyone.

I know I've already talked about me crying a lot in this blog, so I'll let this be my last story:
After Sergei left for work today, I sat down in my room with my journal and Bible and cried out to God about these frustrations. "God, how do I get Sergei to DTS?" I kept asking God for ANYTHING to encourage him. Even if it's $1, let Sergei know that people CARE about what he's doing. Encourage him, God. Give him hope!

After awhile, the verse came to my mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." It's one of those ones we've heard a thousand times, but today the Holy Spirit gave me a new understanding through it. During my DTS, one of our speakers, Ruthie Kim, told us, "If you're worrying about something, you haven't given it to God." Not saying that I'll never worry about raising support for both Sergei and myself ever again, but today I gave it to God and committed to doing my part of walking in obedience and simply trusting him with the rest.

Again, it always comes back to: the simplicity of God.

It's about time...

Goodness, I created this blog thing forever ago, and I'm just now writing in it. It only took me about ten minutes to even get to this page. I still have yet to figure out how this site works.

I'll be honest though, I've been planning out my first blog for weeks now, always with good intentions of going home and writing it. But for some reason, it was always intimidating to me. Like I had to write my testimony or some sort of introduction to start the whole thing off - as if a bunch of strangers were really desperate to know about me or something...? Weirdo.

So, no testimony or life story. Just an update for my friends and family that are scattered across the world. Since I'm absolutely terrible at staying in touch over the phone (I'm sorry!).

I'm back in Bellingham (once again), getting reconnected with the world and wrestling with God about why I'm not in the mission field right now. Things aren't terrible by any means - I love Bellingham. I'm just restless for my next adventure.

But being back home always gives me time to reflect. I can't believe the absolute turn around my life has been through in the last year. A year ago I was sitting in Starbucks with Stephanie, talking about our dreams of traveling the world, working with people of other cultures, and having our chance to be missionaries. We're both MK's (missionary kids) and we had dreams of doing it on our own, too. And now, I'm sitting in Starbucks thinking over all the places I've been this last year, all the people I've met, and the journey that God and I are on together. And Stephanie is traveling through South America after spending the last six months in Africa. I just can't believe how real everything became. I never thought I could do it. But God has provided immensely and I have been blessed beyond words to have experienced everything in this last year.

I know God brings me back to Bellingham for a reason. And I really do love it here. This is where all of my childhood memories are and even after seeing a lot of the world, I'm convinced that Bellingham is the most beautiful place in the world. And God's still teaching me a lot - daily. It's just me thats anxious to get back out. My heart is really for serving people. I love seeing other cultures - but more than anything I love how my eyes are opened in new ways everytime I travel. This world has so much to teach me and I'm ready for it.

Being in Salem, really gave me a lot of my passion back. There are so many injustices in this world - and I want to spend the rest of my life fighting them.

Okay - for the real update: I'm leaving for Guatemala in September for six months!! After my two week visit there last spring, my heart and mind have constantly been on the people of that ravaged country (sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?). While I was there, I had the opportunity to go back to Kairo's house, a home that houses children and their families that are undergoing treatment for cancer. As you can imagine, it's an easy place for the enemy to bring in a strong spirit of hopelessness. My parent's youth pastor, Oscar, and I brought his guitar and led worship for them - and it was the first time I'd seen those children genuinly joyful. And since then I can't help but think, it really can be that easy. We sang a couple of songs and that alone gave God the room to move. These beautiful children have been forced to sacrifice so much and yet they still have the strength to rely on God and get their hope from him. Sometimes I think they have more wisdom at the age of 4 than I have at the age of 20.

I'm really excited to get back down there. The plan is to spend a month in language school in Antigua and then spend five months living and working at Oasis - a womens and children shelter. I'm so excited for what they're going to teach me - and all of the ways God is going to grow me through this experience.

So, I'm home - working five days a week and trying to raise support for my six months in Guatemala. I'm at that point again where I look around and can't even imagine how I'm going to get all of that money - but the Lord is our provider. All of the money in the world is His.

ANNNNNND (I've gotta write about this)....one of my dreams is coming true! Ever since I've come home from my DTS, I've wanted everyone I've ever known to do one! DTS changed my life in ways I could never explain. God captured me in ways I never thought possible. And when I first got home last February, my boyfriend, Sergei, told me, "I could never do what you did. I could never move somewhere and live with a bunch of people that I don't know." But God has been really working in his heart, and Sergei has been accepted to a DTS in Nashville, TN and he'll be leaving in September also!! So, we're both spending our summer's support raising and preparing for the next adventures God has planned for us. I am so excited for all that God is going to do in Sergei's life. So, I'd like to ask YOU to be praying for Sergei as he prepares to go. That God will provide the finances and really be preparing his heart in these last few months.

................I'm really boring, aren't I? I've never really been all that much of a writer.

"Wild Horses" by Natasha Bedingfield has been my "song of inspiration" for the last couple of weeks. It's been on repeat the entire time I've been writing this blog, actually.

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequences
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared
Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses

I so often do that - have this picture of who I want to be in my mind but keep pushing it off. "Oh, I'll be like that someday, after I grow up and stuff." How stupid.

I'm so cautious - too cautious. Ever since coming home from DTS, I've really struggled with accepting myself. I've had this false pride that I'm just never good enough. Before DTS, I had loads of best friends. I had the energy of a five year old that never sleeps. I knew where all the good parties were, my phone was always ringing - I really believed that I had my life together. I thought I knew where I was going and what I was doing. But things changed after I really gave my life over to God during DTS. I knew I needed to change. I found myself really lonely for the first couple of months - and if I'm honest, I know it's really my fault. I could have made more of an effort to go be with all of my old friends - but... I don't know. I just didn't feel any need to go to another party. But mostly, I felt like none of them wanted me too. I beat myself up over the few times my old friends have told me I'm "boring" now. People change - and I don't expect any sympathy from anyone from what happened, I've just found it hard to pick myself up after it.

Things have been looking up though. I've learned how to recognize when the enemy is really fighting against me to tell me I'm not good enough. And when I look back on it, I know it has really drawn me closer to God. I've had to stop relying on what people think of me to get my self worth - instead I've had to rely on how God views me.



Thats enough of me today. Now, that I've gotten the first one out of the way - it'll be much easier for me to update my friends and family more often, especially when I'm in Guatemala. I'd love to hear from anyone and everyone! :) Love you all.

Blessings,
Kimberly